Living on Repeat: Finding Power in the Pattern

I awakened today, much like every day, with gratitude to be alive. I sing a song to myself, watch a little social media, then I get up and come downstairs to do work.

I light my candles and turn on the meditative sounds that my soul enjoys as I prepare my area for the healing work, and the other work I do daily.

I typically make a cup of tea, and that when it happens. I start to look at everything that seems to be out of place and I disassociate. My mind starts to wonder as I hyper fixate on everything that is out of place.

Usually it’s the same thoughts that tend to pop in my head once I walk down the stairs. Those thoughts seem to be on repeat. They consist of complaints and fault finding. They call into my present reality screaming at me about who doesn’t respect me, who doesn’t love me, who doesn’t value me, and they get louder and louder. 

These thoughts are most often triggered by two things cleanliness and money. 

You see the feeling/ emotion that is prominent is anger and it stems from a space that my love isn’t appreciated, because someone didn’t consider me first.

Well that could sound selfish, right, but it’s not the selfishness that is at play, technically it’s the expectation I place on others that allow me to continue to live that ground hog day.

Most of you probably live your own version of a ground hog day, and little triggers are SCREAMING at you, not because you are to agree with them, but they are there to show you your scarcity.

Think back to an early memory or a strong life changing memory, what was the dominant feeling and where did you feel it?

My most prominent memories were the rejection I experienced as a child in my 5th grade class and I felt it in my mind and in my heart. The mind is such a powerful tool, and it was the gaslighting, bullying, and separation that activated this mindset.

I don’t remember my teachers name, I just knew I didn’t like her and I knew she lied on me.

I remember that as a kid parents always took the side of an adult, so I also had my voice silenced.

I also remember being told how smart I was, but school sucked and I hated class and so I didn’t do my work and consistently made failing grades.  These grades were my rebellion I just didn’t know it then.

Do you see how we can trace almost everything back to a singular time or event. 

Why did I choose to relieve these moments on repeat. How did these thoughts get so strong? Well it was the classic conditioning most of us received. My pleasure centers were rewarded when I conformed and were punished when I rebelled this is how this internal war began.

You may ask what does that have to do with me now?

My control centers have been wired to attribute love and to acts of service and appreciation others give me. This helps me know that I am valued and when I don’t see that show up in my daily experience I have a dominant thought process that comes to tell me, You are not appreciated, You are not loved, no-one respects you, they only care about what you do for them.

Is this a fact, a truth, a myth, or a lie? What are your Dominant thoughts? What singular event or events do you relive like Groundhog Day, playing over and over screaming at you while you are driving , while you are working, while you are preparing meals, when you call customer service. Those are the  feelings that got pushed down that “ feel” powerless and their screams tell you that you are too.  This is why they come in every day to present you the same information.

This state of being actually is harmful, because it impacts your gratitude centers, it impacts your ability to stay in the present moment. The tendency of humans is comparison, so when a trigger shows up over an over, we group them together with every other unsavory experience and begin  to use our words to solidify the experience and my friends we call that manifesting. 

An alchemical experience where you bring thought from consciousness to your physical world, in the form of discomfort, disease, pain and suffering.

So today as I washed the dishes that had sat on my counter for more that a week, while I waited to see if someone loved me enough to clean the dishes, or cared enough to even wash their own dishes, spirit whispered to me chant with Sunshine. I energetically connected with my friend who hosts a chant room on Tuesday healing the inner child, and I chanted my song “ Nam Myocho Renge Kyo”. I was transformed and that is the basis of this healing BLOG.

I hope you can find healing in the places you once suffered, as being on this planet is a wonderful gift.

Eve